


Fuck this shit

by AlexAnbi



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Magic Revealed, Merlin is So Done (Merlin), Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Pining Arthur, Redeemed Morgana (Merlin), Slow Build, Slow Burn, Uther Finds Out About Merlin's Magic (Merlin)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-30 11:03:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20096230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexAnbi/pseuds/AlexAnbi
Summary: Merlin was having second thoughts about Camelot and his destiny. When he saves everyone from Morgana's attack, he reveals his magic. He always expected Arthur's rejection but it's still too much and he's just so done that he leaves.Arthur is left to deal with the aftermath of Morgana's destruction and Merlin's absence.





	1. Note about the rewritten story

Hey, so I’ve finally gotten the plot the way I want it so I deleted the chapters and will be uploading the new ones. Don’t worry if you left a comment and now it’s gone because I took screenshots because I cherish each and every one of you who left me such nice comments and asked about me. My life is still a mess, even bigger now because of this crazy pandemic and the many, many months stuck in quarantine. But I thought maybe instead of wallowing in my depression and fears, might as well do something that a few people really liked.

If anyone wants to read the old one, I still have a copy but I will assure you this one is the better one out of the two. I fixed some loopholes and will have some character deaths, sad but you know, it’ll make sense when it happens.

By the way, I’m still on the fence about who the final big baddie would be…I’m torn between making it Uther or Agravaine, it’ll work itself out the more I finish the chapters near the climax but for now, I’m still not sure.

The new chapters start on the next chapter.


	2. Is Camelot worth the pain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the new chapter 1. Tweaked the story a lot. Hope you guys enjoy.

Aithusa circled the sky as she rained hellfire on the citadel. Towers were ablaze and people were trying to put out what they could. The sky mimicked the chaos below, a sharp orange that deepened into a fiery red. Camelot was burning to the ground. Only its king, his knights and the very few servants brave enough to try to put out the razing citadel were at the heart of the city.

Merlin stood at the center of it all. His gaze focused on the cause of all this evil. Morgana laughed maniacally. Felled knights scattered around her, defeated by her magic. Uther’s back was all he could see as he faced off with his wayward daughter.

“Morgana, stop this madness!” Uther bellowed.

“Madness? You call this madness? Then what of all the people you have killed? Hunting my kin, my people! Was it not madness when you burned people for mere suspicions? You did not even discriminate between those who did magic and those who did real evil!” Morgana’s words hit him hard. These were things he wanted to scream himself but he knew he needed to be patient, to stay by Arthur’s side and help him become the king he knew the golden prat would become. But would it ever come to be?

All sounds were muffled. He knew there were people screaming, the fires were roaring and wood from the burning towers were crackling but none of it reached him. Uther and Morgana were still screaming at each other, a ring of fire stopped the king from getting near the witch but he still tried. They looked like they were still arguing but he couldn’t bring himself to move.

People were dead, the castle burned and he didn’t know if Camelot would survive. Up in the castle, Arthur struggled against the fires Aithusa kept lit on the roofs and towers. He was glad the prat was up there. He wouldn’t see Merlin grounded where he stood and unable to make a move as the world fell around him.

His eyes meet Morgana, the telltale gold of magic lit her green eyes up. Her lips moved, casting a spell. A large blast of fire was aimed straight at him but he stood his ground. Magic like that would hurt. Not enough to kill him, only push him back. He’d be burnt but in a week or two his magic would mend and knit back his flesh, good as new. 

The searing pain would make him scream, faint and be annoying but he would deal with it. His flesh would be mottled and scarred but it would heal and disappear. Camelot would not be as lucky. It would be in tatters, burned and broken. 

A selfish thought flashed in his head as the fireball got closer. If he lost consciousness, maybe he would have time to decide if all of this was really worth it. Magic would always be important to him and he was meant to help it flourish but Camelot didn’t seem like it wanted either of them here. It was breaking his heart. He wanted to run away but one look at Arthur and his legs would seize up, never letting him run away.

He was loyal to Arthur. He was proud of that but there were times where loyalty wasn’t enough. He was a servant, he understood that. But sometimes, the insignificance of his existence in Camelot was too much. Whether it was the king or some snooty noble, they would make sure he remembered that he was nothing more than a servant that Arthur treated well but it was fleeting. He’s heard the noble-born folk talk about Arthur’s fondness for novelty and a challenge, that he was a novelty and a challenge. A servant that wasn’t yet broken but would soon enough be. 

There was a part of him that wanted to say that he knew Arthur well enough that whatever they said wasn’t true but there was doubt. He knew Arthur but he wasn’t sure if he knew the real man beneath his charming façade. Even if Arthur was unconventionally nice towards his servant, the prince still maintained a distance with him. Arthur has said so himself, they could never be friends because of their stations. 

Before magic and before their friendship, he was Arthur’s manservant. He had a duty and even if Arthur treated him like a person instead of scum beneath his feet, he had to acknowledge the differing lives that they lived despite being beside each other every moment of it.

When the ball of flames drew near, he conceded to the inevitability. He would embrace the pain and the darkness. It would give him time to think, to see if Camelot was worth the heartache. He closed his eyes, ready to feel the intense sear from the burning projectile.

The burning pain never came, instead, in its place, was his body hitting the ground as a much heavier one pushed him away from danger. Hard metal pressed against his chest as Arthur shielded him from the heat. He opened his eyes in time to watch Arthur’s profile, glaring angrily towards his half-sister.

“Get up, you idiot. Don’t stand around like a bumbling buffoon. We have enough deaths without you burning to a crisp.” He wanted to lay there and let the fires or the debris knock him out but when faced with Arthur’s determination, he could not shirk his duties. 

“How are we going to stop her?” He wanted to run away. He had decisions to make but Arthur came first.

“Father is still trying to talk her down but Morgana is getting too crazed. We need to incapacitate her. Maybe then we can stop this hell.” Arthur looked around, hurriedly formulating a plan in his golden head. He wanted to argue that anything they did would not help because the dragon raining hellfire above was giving her mistress alerts when someone tried to get close but Arthur was stuck in a crazed desperation to end all this chaos. He knew he could do nothing but agree to any doomed plan Arthur came up with. “Listen, try to get her attention. I’m going to knock her out from the back.” 

It was inevitable that this plan of Arthur’s would fail. He wanted to feel guilt for letting Arthur go ahead with his doomed plan but he was feeling despondent. He would protect Arthur no matter how badly this plan would fail but he had no will to stop him from doing it in the first place. He wanted to tell Arthur that Aithusa’s roars would ensure their failure but he said nothing, only did as he was told. Perhaps if he stood closer, Morgana would be able to kill him with one blow. He would welcome death before he dealt with all of this stressful decision-making he needed to do.

“Morgana!” She turned her gaze from the king to him. It seemed that she had not forgotten he had poisoned her. He did it for Camelot but right now, he wasn’t sure he did the right thing. Her cause was the same as his and if he had taken her side and guided her along with Arthur, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Perhaps what Kilgharrah said wasn’t always what needed to be done.

“Well, if isn’t my old friend. Merlin, tell me, have you poisoned any more lovely maidens while I was away.” In any other time, he would have felt guilty, but he didn’t. Not even the kings angry confusion had an effect. He was still so deep into despondency that he just couldn’t bring himself to care.

“No, I haven’t. Morgana, I’m sorry…Camelot was in danger and Morgause wouldn’t do anything if you weren’t in danger. It was a hard choice to make.” She looked taken aback but whatever sympathy she would have given him dissolved when Aithusa roared above them and set another part of the castle ablaze. Her eyes flicked to her right, Arthur stalked behind her with a piece of heavy lumber to knock her out. She laughed.

“My, my Arthur, sneaking up on a lady is unbecoming of a prince.” She turned around and before she could do anything. His hand was already in the air and holding her in place, making sure she didn’t hurt his prince. Uther stood frozen and Arthur stared at him. Emotions flashed on his face until it settled with understanding.

“You! You have magic!” Morgana wailed. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you make me think I was alone?” Tears were streaming down her face. She felt betrayed and he couldn’t blame her. He wanted to comfort her. She used to be as close to him as Gwen is. She was his kin, one of his people, someone he could share his magic with. But she was also someone he betrayed.

He quelled the flames with his magic and let Morgana go. Aithusa above did not seem to want to fight him about the fires so she had settled atop the roof and watched carefully. He hesitated but stepped towards her, none of the others made a move but he knew what he needed to do. He stepped in front of her and she fell into his arms crying, thumping at his chest weakly. She sobbed and tried to tell him how she felt so alone and why didn’t he tell her. She held her close, patting her dark hair.

“You have magic!” Uther’s voiced bellowed, angry and confused. “Guards, arrest him.”

There were still a few knights conscious but none of them seemed like they wanted to make a move. He looked at each of their faces, none of them looked any bit surprised. They each look away when he met their gazes, he would have burned at the stake long ago if not for these people keeping his secret to themselves. He didn’t know why they did it but he also knew that it had been very suspicious that he survived each outing with Arthur when men bigger and more knightly did not.

Only Sir Leon held his gaze, the blond knight knew his secret and let him stay with Arthur because the man trusted him with the king’s life. He didn’t know if this was true but this was the only reason he could think of that the knight had not turned him over to Uther.

Uther shook in anger but he also looked relieved. Maybe because the fires and chaos had stopped or maybe seeing that the Morgana they all knew was still there as she sobbed into Merlin’s chest. He looked down to the witch in his arms and saw that though her form had subsided into small sniffles, tears still streamed her face. His chest dampened with her tears.

“Morgana, are you okay?” She did not reply. She nodded into his chest and continued to hide her tear soaked face. He patted her head and looked up towards Arthur. His choice was made. He would defy Kilgarrah’s prophecy, he would defend all of his kin and steer them away from the darkness that lured them towards evil. His destiny would no longer follow a mold, he would shape and hew it with his own hands, prophecy be damned.

Arthur’s face smudged with soot across his cheek was still very handsome, that would never change but the look he was making at Merlin told it all. As much as he was loyal to Arthur, he needed to give his loyalty to the scorned magic folk that he was meant to help protect. 

Arthur stood tall and stared at him and Morgana. There was anger there, why, he did not know. Was Arthur angry about his magic? Or was he angry that he held Morgana so close? He wasn’t sure either answer would relieve him of the knotting sensation he felt in his stomach.

“Guards,” There was hesitation in his voice. “…take them to the dungeon.” Merlin had made his decision and unfortunately, so did Arthur. The knights followed Arthur’s command hesitantly. Leon’s face showed his true feelings but he schooled them immediately, refusing to follow the command.

He had feared this moment. Not only for his life but because he wasn’t sure his emotions would not cause his magic to implode in his anger and disappointment. This situation has played back over and over in his head, he thought he would be more prepared for the prickling sting of Arthur’s rejection. But imagining it and experiencing it were different things. All the pent up rage that he had bottled up burst and he said what he had felt for the past few years.

“Is that all you can say to me? You utter prat. You clotpole! I’ve tried my best to stay in the shadows. To acknowledge that you would never treat me as a friend, always just a servant. I wanted to believe you weren’t your father’s son, that you would see that killing people for having something different from you was wrong but…” He held the worst in but he just, he wanted to burst. He held onto Morgana and tried to get a full sentence out. “I’ve been saving your ass all this time and I thought perhaps you had an inkling of what was happening because all the knights certainly assumed something was up considering you were supposed to be dead so many times. But I guess that big head isn’t just a literal thing with you. Fuck you and all of Camelot. I don’t need to be treated like I’m not a person.”

The guards were edging toward them. He screamed, guttural and angry. He called to Aithusa and she followed him obediently. Morgana had looked up at his screaming and the look of shock on her face mirrored everyone else’s. He had showed them his magic, he didn’t need to hide anything anymore. They would judge him no matter what he did.

“Morgana, let’s go.” He pushed Morgana up onto Aithusa’s back, ready to follow her but something pulled at his wrist. She looked down to see Gwen. She had made her way through the throng of knights even as Aithusa batted them away.

“Don’t leave me here.” She was pleading and he wouldn’t leave anyone behind anymore. Aithusa batted the knights away as he tried to help Gwen up on her back. Aithusa wouldn’t be able to carry all of them. He needed to stay back and make sure they were safe.

“Morgana, look for Mordred and stay hidden. I’ll come find you when I can.” He screamed in the ancient words of the dragonlord and made Aithusa leave him. The dragon protested but could not go against his word. The force from her beating wings forced the knights away. He watched the white dragon climb higher and higher, Morgana and Gwen screaming to be let down and help him. He would keep them safe, he would be captured but he would find a way to escape soon enough.

Large hands held each shoulder as cold manacles were clasped unto his wrist tightly. The iron stung his skin. They glowed red and hot in defiance, trying to stop the iron from extinguishing his magic. It hurt so badly but the pain did not bother him. What bothered him were the hands that gripped his manacles and kept his hands in place. Arthur would not let go and he would not stop staring so angrily at him. He stared back defiantly at his prince.

“Send that sorcerer to the dungeons.” Uther’s voice bellowed above all the commotion, several knights were still on guard and were holding him tightly in place, as if he would buck them off with only his mind. He could but, he was tired. He let them try to move him but Arthur still held his grip. That sky blue gaze stared straight at him, unwavering and angry.

“No, bring him to the north tower. DO NOT let anyone in unless it’s me.” Uther was protesting in the background but the finality in his tone urged the knights to follow their prince’s orders instead of their king’s.

————

The knights carried Merlin away. Arthur stood where he was. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, whether it was anger, disappointment or something different altogether. He looked at his hands, the very hands that clasped iron shackles unto Merlin’s wrist, iron that stung and rendered every sorcerer weak and powerless. He saw how the milky wrist turned an angry red the moment the iron touched Merlin’s skin. It made him feel dirty, like he was trying to crush and destroy a purity from the world.

He heard his name being shouted at him. His head felt muddled and he couldn’t concentrate. It wasn’t until a soft weight shook him by his shoulder. He saw Gaius’ poorly concealed disappointment before he turned to his angry father.

“What do you think this is, Arthur? That…that sorcerer should have been sent to the dungeons and have you been planning to usurp me? Getting the knights to follow your command instead of mine, you may be the prince but I can still lock you away in your chambers if you continue to be treasonous.” His father’s face was red in anger. He shrank away, still feeling like the small child who has scared of his father’s scolding.

“Father…sorcerer’s have always found a way to escape when they are sent to the dungeons. The north tower has only one way in or out. Unless he can fly while he is bound in iron, he won’t be getting away from his guards.” His father’s anger was still present but as usual, the man dismissed him while beckoning Gaius for a report on how many were wounded.

He would have followed but he couldn’t, not when he had so many questions about Merlin. It was a short trip to the north tower, the only tower that did not burn. He moved mechanically, each step heavy and unsure. Why had Merlin never told him about his magic? Was Merlin afraid of him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those worried that badass Gwen from the old version will change, don't worry. She's still gonna be a big badass.


	3. Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i made it a little clearer to identify whose perspective you guys are reading. It'll be the first person mention in the beginning of a pov and the 4 dashes signify change in perspective for people who can't tell when there is a switch.

Gwen held Morgana’s waist tightly. She had never rode anything larger than a horse, much less one that flew. She was scared for her life but moreso Merlin’s life. Her friend had saved them by letting himself be captured. She could not even imagine what could be happening to Merlin right now.

“Aithusa, bring us back. We need to save Merlin!” Morgana had been screaming at the dragon for the better part of their escape. She had been pleading with the dragon, Aithusa the lady had called her, to turn back.

“I don’t think she’ll listen. Merlin said a spell that looked like even your friend seemed unable to refuse.” Morgana turned back to her, looking a bit surprised. Had the lady forgotten she was there, even as she gripped her waist so tightly?

“I know. I’m just…frustrated that she won’t listen that…he let himself be captured for us…” She held Morgana tightly, trying to be comforting. She wasn’t sure if she still had a place in Morgana’s heart but she hoped she was at least allowed to do this much. They flew further away from the heart of Camelot, their only solace was each other.

\----

Clouds flew by outside the window of Merlin’s new room – a prison really. He was in the north tower, a special room for royal guests. A room that had one of the best views of Camelot. It had a large four-poster bed, not unlike the one in Arthur’s room. The furniture was just as grand but even with so much luxury around him, it was still so confining.

The iron was stinging his wrist but they barely put a damper on his magic. He could feel it try to cut him off but his magic seemed unbothered. He could bust out if he wanted and he should because he promised Gwen and Morgana that he would follow after them. But the feeling of futility was overwhelming him. He wasn’t sure what would happen to him if he didn’t try to escape.

Were they preparing the court for a burning? Maybe they would hang him or perhaps Arthur would be merciful, give him a quick death by beheading him. There were options, so many options, he shouldn’t think about any of them but he felt so empty. The only thing he could feel was fear, and he hated how this was the only thing tethering him to reality. He was so close to just letting go, letting his magic go wild and letting it destroy them, all of them.

Arthur wasn’t who he wanted him to be, he was his father’s son and not the glorious king he wanted the golden prat to be. What would he do when he saw the prince’s face again? Would he lash out? Would he weep? Would something catastrophic happen? He didn’t know which was worse. It would all be so terrible.

He would die by Camelot’s hands and the people who loved him would not be able to do anything about it. There were few of them, Will and Freya already predeceasing him. Who were left to mourn him? Leon would be there in the crowd when it happens, he wasn’t sure how the man felt about him as a person, but he knew the knight at least saw him not as an enemy but someone he (Leon) could trust around Arthur. Then there would be Gwen and maybe Morgana. Gwaine would probably find out much, much later, from a travelling druid or a passing gossip. Lancelot would mourn him, he would find out faster than any of his friends, the brave man always somehow did. He didn’t even think about his mother or Gaius. Neither of them would want him dead before them and yet, here he was waiting for a death verdict.

There was a small part of him that hoped that Arthur would mourn him. It was the part of him that still believed in the prince that still believed in Kilgharrah’s prophecy. It wanted to believe that the prince would change his mind about magic – change his mind about him. It was a small part but it was there. He had certain feelings for the prince, he knows it would go nowhere but he couldn’t help it. 

The constant talk of “being two sides of the same coin” and “destiny” has corrupted his mind into seeing the prince through rose-coloured lens. It tricked him into thinking that he had a chance of becoming more than a servant to Arthur. After all they’ve been through, he wanted to be able to call Arthur his friend without the over reprimanding him. This foolish part of him even thought that perhaps the friendship could even develop into something more.

The door creaked open, he didn’t turn to see who it was. Whether it was Uther or Arthur, it would not matter. They would be his executioner and he would not bend to their will. He didn’t care if he was tortured. He would stand by his decision. He would protect all of his kin, whether they had strayed from the light or not.

“Merlin.” His head turned at a breakneck speed, it was Gaius. The man who had raised him all this time in Camelot was the last person he thought he would see enter through that door. He honestly thought that the next time he would see the physician would be on his execution day.

“Gaius, it’s so good to see you.” Relief overwhelmed him, the pain he had been feeling shying away in the presence of his mentor and pseudo father.

“My boy, what have you done? How are we going to get you out of here?” The old man had his eyebrow arched in a way only Gaius could.

“You don’t have to worry. I’ll get out. You shouldn’t be saying such things…” he looked suspiciously at the door “I don’t want you to be beside me on that chopping block.”

“You can’t honestly think Arthur would allow you to die?” He met Gaius’ gaze, his eyes stinging and watery.

“I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s obvious only I feel friendship between the two of us, to him, I truly am just his manservant.” Gaius sat beside his ward, a calming arm over his shoulders.

“We do not yet know what the prince will do about this. Uther is still angry that the knights followed Arthur’s command instead of his. Perhaps the prince has plans to help you.”

“As much as that is a probability, he could also send me to my death.” He looked at the iron around his wrist. He could escape from his bounds but Gaius wouldn’t be able to keep up if he runs. “Gaius, go visit Ealdor. My mother will need someone to calm her down while I’m on the run.”

“I can’t leave you here, my boy.”

“When I escape, they won’t stop at just hunting me. I need you to take care of yourself and to tell my mother to take care of herself. I wouldn’t wish upon anyone what Balinor had to go through but if that’s what it takes to keep all of you safe, then you need to go.”

\----

Arthur lay on Merlin’s bed. For how long, even he did not know. People were probably looking for him but he didn’t want to leave Merlin’s bed. He felt like a mess. Merlin had magic.

Merlin had magic.  
Merlin had magic.  
Merlin had magic.  
Merlin had magic.  
Merlin had magic.

How would his life continue now that he knew Merlin’s secret? Cleaning after himself, dressing, eating and all those menial things could be done by any other servants but he would always feel like something was missing, that Merlin was missing. Ever since the sable haired servant came into his life, his mind was filled with nothing but Merlin. No one could compare to Merlin. He could get loyalty from his knights, friendship from Leon and Guinevere but what Merlin gave him, he couldn’t put a name to it.

The door opened. He expected Gaius to step in, maybe kick him out for arresting his ward but it was Leon. The knight looked displeased, a scowl marring his usually jovial face.

“Get up.” The defiance and utter disrespect in his oldest friend’s voice was blatant. He would have protested but he knew why Leon was so vehement in his contempt. It was the same reason he was wallowing and the owner of the room he was wallowing in, Merlin.

“Did you know?” Leon frowned deepened.

“No, I didn’t but I had my suspicions. He’s fared better than fully trained knights, without a sword, without armor. I knew there had to be something about him, magic was the first thing that came to mind.” He continued to stare at the ceiling, everything in this room was Merlin’s and it comforted him more than he would be able to say.

“Why did you never report him? Or even tell me?”

“He never did anything that would warrant an arrest. I was only suspicious that he was using magic, I didn’t have proof and...Merlin has shown that he was ready give his life for yours. Why ever would I have him arrested when he is the only thing keeping you from the perils of magic?” He looked at Leon. “Would you have me throw Merlin in the dungeon because I was suspicious of him? Even as he drank from a poisoned chalice to save you?”

“I…I don’t know. I need time to think about all of this…time to think about Merlin.” The knight bowed out of the room.

What the knight said rung some truth. Evil sorcerers have always plagued Camelot. Despite being trained to hate magic, he was always afraid. The stories of men and women, slight in stature sometimes even children capable of feats that would take many skilled workers to do made him think of worse things that they could do. It made him wonder if even the children of those evil sorcerers could take down the large knights his father surrounded himself with, if he would even survive an encounter with someone with magic that hated the Pendragons. 

Merlin used magic but he was nothing like all the stories he had heard of powerful sorcerers. The very sight of Merlin has never cause given him cause to fear. In fact, the mysterious air around his manservant had always intrigued him. It was different from people who tried to act mysterious to attract his attention. 

With Merlin, it felt like everyone and everything around him was beguiled by his presence. He’s seen countless servants, squires, a few knights and even the odd noble or two be enchanted with Merlin. Talking with the raven haired man with increasing interest and flirting at the oblivious fool. He just had this thing about him that made it so easy to fall…well not in love but in deep want to be close to Merlin.

It wasn’t something he let himself think about because his father has always been over his shoulder. But every now and again when they were alone on a journey or even in the comfort of his private chambers, his mind wanders to what it was that was happening to him as he thought of Merlin. There were feelings there. Whether or not Merlin knew about how he secretly felt for his dark-haired manservant was anyone’s guess. He, however, thought of Merlin as the light in the tunnel he thought he would never escape.

It was positively absurd how deeply he cared for Merlin and how much he denied it but he had chains keeping him from saying things that would make his father lock him in his chambers until the man eventually died. He had duties and with those duties, people gave him a role, a way to see him that was unique to each and every one of them. He was a brave hero to his people, a petulant child being raised as a warrior and a king to Uther, a tyrant son of the tyrant king to magic users, a terrible brother to Morgana and possibly, an even worse person – because he no longer deserved to secretly call Merlin a friend in his head – to Merlin. Every one of them has picture of Arthur in their head as one thing or another but in his own head, he was nothing but a coward.

Too afraid of a wrathful father…  
Too afraid of disappointing those who look to him in times of need…  
Too afraid of siding with Morgana when she had sided with him against Uther through their childhood…  
Too afraid to admit…  
To admit to what? He was too afraid to even say it in his head because the moment it was said, even in his head, it would change him. It would make every move he has ever made a senseless act of violence. 

Each victory against magic would be a murder for Camelot, not saying that the evil ones did not deserve it but he knew there were countless more that he had sent to their deaths because he was too afraid to question his father about something that has always wailed at him from the back of his thoughts.

But now, how was he to justify all of that when he was faced with Merlin doing magic? His manservant has shown nothing but loyalty to him and Camelot. Going through rigorous journeys, perilous quests and even poisoned chalices to ensure he would be there to keep Arthur alive. Was he supposed to turn away from Merlin? To turn his back on his most loyal…person?

Leon was right, Merlin has always survived when knights could not. He had been suspicious but his fear crippled him. There was this stranger who did not see him as a means to leverage themselves and ingratiate themselves to the future king. A man who despite being a born a peasant treated him without the fanfare and saw him as a person instead of a crown waiting for its coronation. Merlin was a person he did not want to lose, did not want others to take from him, as if he was a toy for a petulant child. He suppressed any suspicion he had of Merlin because the thought of living another moment without the one person who anchored him to the ground, who made him feel like a person, terrified him.

He acted obliviously and he hoped that his fears would never come to life, that Merlin would never expose himself. But how could he do that now? Merlin used magic in front of the king, in front of all the knights and in front of him. There was no talking his way out of taking responsibility for Merlin’s magic, even if it was in the defense of his sister. 

The mask he used to hide from his father took over, not only have the knights arrest Merlin but also ensure that he was in the most secure place in the castle to spoil any attempts of escape and rescue. His body had gone inadvertent and done what his father has always made him do, arrest magic users.

It was all messed up. Merlin was never supposed to be arrested and he should have never made the arrest. He had feelings for the man, he should have conquered his fears because of the rush of his true feelings for Merlin. It was too bad that his fears, the ones he lived with all his life before meeting Merlin, were too massive and his insecurity too blinding that the “feelings” he felt for Merlin were overpowered.

The door creaked open again. Fully expecting Leon again, he sat up ready throw Merlin’s pillow at the knight. Instead, there stood Gaius. A man he dreaded ever since he had sent the physician’s ward to the north tower. He fully understood if Gaius was here to kick him out of Merlin’s room but the man looked quite harried with worry.

“Your highness, people have been searching for you.” He looked away. Seeing Gaius was too painful.

“I’ll be out soon.” The man nodded, turning to leave him but there were so many things he needed answered. “Gaius… did you know?”

“Yes, I did, your highness.” The answer was curt and the tone final. Whatever Gaius thought he was going to say seemed worse than what he actually had in mind. As much as he wanted to continue his spiraling thoughts and lies, he needed a few things answered. 

“Why did he never…Was he scared of me?” Any answer Gaius would give him made the dread in his stomach twist further. If Gaius told him Merlin didn’t trust him, he didn’t know what he would do. Being feared wasn’t any better but it was something he could correct much more easily that gaining trust. 

Gaius looked pensive. He looked behind him before stepping into the room and closing the door. Was this a revelation more intense than Merlin practicing magic?

“He was never scared of you. Scared for you, perhaps but never of you. That boy cared more for you than even his own self…” He did not think he would ever be able to smile with what he did but those words were giving him a wash of relief – until Gaius continued to speak. “But things are complicated for Merlin.”

“Yes, I know. We all saw him. He practices magic and he never said a thing. Why would he choose to practice magic in Camelot?” His tone came out defensive and angry, both things he didn’t really feel but have been programmed to do when faced with too many unknowns.

“My boy, Merlin had no choice in it. He was never taught magic. He was born with it.” Gaius looked pensive. He shouldn’t have interrupted the physician’s musings but he did anyway.

“How is that possible? Magic is something you’re taught, something that you seek out. I’ve never heard of a person being born with it.”

“And yet, Merlin was born with magic. When he came to Camelot, he did not even know a single spell. It was an instinctive. He could barely explain what it was that he could do. He needed only to think of it and it would happen.” That was such an unbelievable thing but he can’t deny what he saw. Merlin had only raised his hand and things bent to his will. It begged the question, was Merlin even the same as them?

“What is he?”

“Some say he is the most powerful sorcerer to walk the earth. The druid have a name for him. They revere him as their savior. But no matter what they say, he is and will always be Merlin.” All this time, the person who could have taken down Camelot lived within its walls. Executions, torture and persecution loomed over his head but Merlin’s bullheadedness kept him by Arthur’s side. How was he meant to react adversely towards a magic user when it was Merlin? He was a man who was the most powerful sorcerer but the most loyal person Arthur had ever met.

His musings were interrupted by Gaius closing the door behind him. He stared at the ceiling again. His body didn’t want to move, his mind even less so. Merlin was a mystery beyond anything he ever knew. What was he meant to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is spiralling so I am writing a fic.


End file.
